As the family was eating dinner tonight music was playing in another room. I love it when a song pierces your heart and you are pulled through a series of thoughts and feelings so quickly to find yourself at the end weeping or laughing. This happened to me tonight. A song played, I thought of my brother then my other siblings and began to cry. Though I was silent, both my girls (7 and 2) noticed immediately. “What’s wrong Mama?” “Wus wong? You sad?” “You thinking about Grandpa?” (My father died two years ago.) Paul, well accustomed to this, said, “It’s OK, Mama is thinking of something that made her cry.”
I managed to say, “I was thinking about Uncle Nathan and Aunt Torey and Uncle Tanner and I missed them.”
“I miss um too.” My two year old replied.
Everyone went back to eating and I continued to think. I don’t know how to say this without being maudlin. Here it is – I was just grateful to have these tears, to be able to be touched by music. I knew it was the price I pay for being alive and having a heart filled with love.
Someone once told me she had always looked at my family when we were growing up and thought our life together was perfect. It wasn’t, of course, and in some ways it was very broken, but I did say this, “Anything you envied me of my brothers and sister was correct, that was real and wonderful and true.”
Now there too we have all thrown down in a variety of situations but without qualification I love these people so powerfully and am so grateful I get to be a voice in this four part harmony.
I have wanted to articulate that for some time but got stuck on the mechanics, “Do I write a letter to all of them? Should I type it and make copies? That doesn’t seem very personal and besides I don’t have a printer. I should probably hand write it…” and then another year passed.
I love you Tanner.
I love you Nathan.
I love you Torey.
P.S. NCW you had me with tears in my eyes twice today – once as indicated above and twice absolutely howling with laughter with Paul about G B. You dork. Keep writing.